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Saturday, May 14, 2016

Day 97: It Takes Time to Heal (The Process)

It Takes Time to Heal (The Process)

They bind me. I can’t move. They tell me to move forward but I can’t. I’m stuck. Something plagues my mind. These thoughts. These thoughts telling me that I can’t do it—I can’t be what I want to be and I won’t get that far. These thoughts. They sadden me. I’m too young to have these thoughts. The world moves but I stand still. Why can’t I move? Why can’t I be happy too?

I feel nothing. I move nowhere. I stand motionless. They tell me to have faith. Things will be okay. Just believe that it will get better. You’ll be alright. Just be patient. They say take it one day at a time. I’m trying to but each day it gets harder. Motionless. I move but I’m not in control. God is. Walk in faith.

I see hope in the world but none in myself. Why is that? The joy bringer. I can bring joy to everyone but me. How can happiness elude me? Why must I sit in sorrow? I have faith, I believe, but trust takes time. I see rainbows for you but I see rainstorms for me. How can this be? How can I have hope in everyone but me? It’s not fair. What did I do to deserve this?

The days go by slow but the years go by fast. Time. It alludes me. I feel it passing by. One day after another. One hour, two hours, three hours, four. Am I living my life or am I just watching time go by? I see time moving but I’m not. Time was my friend but it’s not anymore. Time, I don’t love you and you don’t seem to love me.

Fear. Hello, my enemy. Fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the future. Fear of life. Fear of imperfection. Fear of being forgotten. Fear. Why can't I destroy you? Throw you away like yesterday's news. Fear, I don't need you. Fear, I want my life back. I was doing fine without you. Fear. Like a shadow, you haunt and taunt me. Following my every move. Fear. Leave me alone.

Pain. What do I know of you? You stare me down in my dreams. No, in my nightmares. Pain. What do I know of you? I don’t feel you physically but I do mentally. You make me tired. You make me weak. Night after night, pain. Why don’t you go away? Pain, I don’t need you so why do you need me?

So tired. I’m fighting but it’s wearing me down. Day after day, fighting. Fighting against my demons. They keep me awake at night. Why can’t I sleep? Tired. My mind never sleeps. Awake, I can’t sleep. Insomnia. Tired.

Depression. It hurts. Why depression? Uninspired, bored, lack of desire. Depression. A nightmare.
Depression. Can I overpower you? Can I conquer you? Can I wear you down like you do to me? Depression. Damn. I hate you. I can list a million reasons why you annoy me. Can I change you like you've change me? 

When I go outside. When I see the sun. When I’m with my friends and family. When I’m doing something productive. Relief. Like I can taste freedom. A freedom that lies deep in my heart and heavy in my soul. Freedom. Like all of this will end soon. Relief because through it all I still have faith. Relief. Because life is hard and I have to enjoy the little moments.

Slowly. One day at a time. Things will get better. Even though I can’t see it, I know that it will. Seasons, they change. And this one will too. Just give it time. Patience, my weakness. I won’t lie. If I take the small steps, they will lead to big ones. Just one step at a time. You will heal. Have faith. Trust. Believe. You can do it. I have so much faith in you. Heal. It’s a process and it will take time but you will heal.

It took some time for you to return. Joy. As I see a smile on my face. Joy. As I thought I would never get back here. Joy. As I thought it was a distant dream. Joy. I can feel it. Joy. Please don't ever leave me again. It has been a long time. Joy. I can't believe it. I'm shocked myself. Joy. I know you're out there. It's about time you find me.


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